the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
