K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
