Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
