we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
