Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
