I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Randomize
