I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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