As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
