Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
