I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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