Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
