Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
