haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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