saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
