I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
