She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
