He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
