My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
this hospital has no fireball
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
