I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
