these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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