just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
