respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
