There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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