I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
