I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
