so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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