i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
two words...techno handjob
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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