The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
