i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
