so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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