If i could tip my vagina, i would.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
