every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
