I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
