I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
