While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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