that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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