HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
