the condom got lost in my hair
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
