watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
tell me about the fingering
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