Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
