Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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