got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
