i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Randomize
