the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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