were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
