Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
