True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
