He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
