someone threw a dead crab at me
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
