shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
