I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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