I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
