Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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